Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Fight the fight
Love. Hate. It's not simple it's not complicated. Ive built a hole wrote three lines and want to go. I love you and you and you and you. you have helped me why can't I help you.Those walls I built are hard to break down taking a drink of water to wash that thought down.
Monday, March 4, 2013
The sun will peak soon
wheels comin off its crash and burn no small wonder survival...take a shot in the blue.
I was closing my eyes, tossing in bed, the cool breeze from my cracked bedroom window should have made sleep sweet. But, Curled up in my white down blanket I couldn't stop the race from starting again. The race to peace, closure, acceptance. There are voices in my head and they are the hurdles I have to jump. One down and I feel like ten more are put in front of me, I never reach the end. There is one voice though...my voice. My voice connects me to me, through all the thoughts the voices bare on me my voice keeps me awake. I have dreams too, hallucinations of my lost love. Its so unreal that for a long time a part of me thought that it was real. I got trapped in a hallucination with a figmant of him that would come and go like a winter wind. Until I began to accept the truth that made me understand reality, and let it go, I knew I would never truly escape the chaos and learn to listen to myself. I'm still learning and growing of course, still don't know where I'm going to end up, but I'll lead with my heart.
I was closing my eyes, tossing in bed, the cool breeze from my cracked bedroom window should have made sleep sweet. But, Curled up in my white down blanket I couldn't stop the race from starting again. The race to peace, closure, acceptance. There are voices in my head and they are the hurdles I have to jump. One down and I feel like ten more are put in front of me, I never reach the end. There is one voice though...my voice. My voice connects me to me, through all the thoughts the voices bare on me my voice keeps me awake. I have dreams too, hallucinations of my lost love. Its so unreal that for a long time a part of me thought that it was real. I got trapped in a hallucination with a figmant of him that would come and go like a winter wind. Until I began to accept the truth that made me understand reality, and let it go, I knew I would never truly escape the chaos and learn to listen to myself. I'm still learning and growing of course, still don't know where I'm going to end up, but I'll lead with my heart.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
inner strength, questions, self
I need to apologize to the world, the people in my pictures. I have been in my world where how I looked, what I said, actions I have made were to better myself, future, circumstance. I know I have hurt people along the way to my discovery of what I thought was going to make me whole. My Dad was always afraid of the harm and hurt my friends would cause me. Maybe because of his experience, his past. The choices I have made in my journey of finding myself and becoming a woman have now taught me I was headed to the heat. The burning flame of eternal madness. Im staring at this blank page turning into my thoughts and I don't know what a true friend feels like in me. There is a saying, "keep your friends close, your enemies closer". Im seeing I am my own enemy. Good nature is in all that I see, different from person to person, but always good. I guess I would say I'm a glass empty kind of person or maybe just a realist. I know Im not going to be granted forgiveness or peace through thin air praying my ease my soul, but I feel there is still something of an unknown reigning true in my life.
Im not sure how to begin again what road to travel down or even how to start traveling. I see such beautiful life and brilliance in friends, in the eyes of strangers walking and holding hands down the street, in my sisters, and Mom and Dad. There is future, hope, and happiness. Looking in the mirror has become a routine of how heavy I look that day when the true questions linger in my mind. Have I hurt you? Have I lost you? and even deeper down, I believe I miss you. This moment...right now will be swift my words to the page. What I fear is will I see myself and does anyone else truly see me. To end my life would be a sweeter pain than the hurt I feel trapped in my whirled wind of chaos, but yet my pain reminds me of my humanity.
Try to do better I think. Try even harder. But I'm so tired. I know I will end this in life or in death.
Love takes my breath away. I do love completely and wholly, but I'm also angry, sometimes it fills my heart. I want to get better. I want to be happy. My mind can be filled with so many voices. I've been in a relationship now for over a year. A few days ago I hit a breaking point and lost total control. Filled with hurt, anger, loneliness, and fear I knew and still know in my heart something in me wasn't being fulfilled. Thats the hardest part of looking at your life and having to break a piece off when it doesn't fit. I blame myself and honestly apart of me blames him. I need to get rid of this reason for blame and Im starting to heal in the fact that loves of your life come and go and thats just it, life. I was holding on to him so tight and trying desperately to hide my true feelings, trying to hide myself. At the same token I wanted him to know and understand me. Searching for a sign or a flame in the darkness I truly just want to be loved.
A good friend once wrote to me, it is nearly impossible to love someone who does not love themselves. I was struck when I read those words because to me it made complete sense. First, I want to be happy. I want all of my fears of myself to go away. This life I live I want to make better. Seven years ago, I can't believe its already been seven years, I was told I have a mental disorder...mental disorder. Those words alone scare me. I've been on this roller coaster ride and recently something a force or my inner voice is telling me to get off. I want to get back to home a place where I can feel safe. I have extremely supportive friends and family, but at times my mind tells me they are against me. In these times I want the whole world to stop. I feel cheated. I feel guilty for feeling cheated. I can be good at feeling sorry for myself, but days my flood gates open and I drown myself in my sorrow. The ugliness of my disorder, it makes me question those who love me and have been there with me since the beginning. It makes me question myself and my motives. Its so hard and painful when Im having one of those days or moments. On one of those days anger, paranoia, sadness, and doubt creep into my mind and make their bed there. That is when I'm truly lost.
I got a new journal, the sayings of Buddah.
Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.
-Buddah
Im not sure how to begin again what road to travel down or even how to start traveling. I see such beautiful life and brilliance in friends, in the eyes of strangers walking and holding hands down the street, in my sisters, and Mom and Dad. There is future, hope, and happiness. Looking in the mirror has become a routine of how heavy I look that day when the true questions linger in my mind. Have I hurt you? Have I lost you? and even deeper down, I believe I miss you. This moment...right now will be swift my words to the page. What I fear is will I see myself and does anyone else truly see me. To end my life would be a sweeter pain than the hurt I feel trapped in my whirled wind of chaos, but yet my pain reminds me of my humanity.
Try to do better I think. Try even harder. But I'm so tired. I know I will end this in life or in death.
Love takes my breath away. I do love completely and wholly, but I'm also angry, sometimes it fills my heart. I want to get better. I want to be happy. My mind can be filled with so many voices. I've been in a relationship now for over a year. A few days ago I hit a breaking point and lost total control. Filled with hurt, anger, loneliness, and fear I knew and still know in my heart something in me wasn't being fulfilled. Thats the hardest part of looking at your life and having to break a piece off when it doesn't fit. I blame myself and honestly apart of me blames him. I need to get rid of this reason for blame and Im starting to heal in the fact that loves of your life come and go and thats just it, life. I was holding on to him so tight and trying desperately to hide my true feelings, trying to hide myself. At the same token I wanted him to know and understand me. Searching for a sign or a flame in the darkness I truly just want to be loved.
A good friend once wrote to me, it is nearly impossible to love someone who does not love themselves. I was struck when I read those words because to me it made complete sense. First, I want to be happy. I want all of my fears of myself to go away. This life I live I want to make better. Seven years ago, I can't believe its already been seven years, I was told I have a mental disorder...mental disorder. Those words alone scare me. I've been on this roller coaster ride and recently something a force or my inner voice is telling me to get off. I want to get back to home a place where I can feel safe. I have extremely supportive friends and family, but at times my mind tells me they are against me. In these times I want the whole world to stop. I feel cheated. I feel guilty for feeling cheated. I can be good at feeling sorry for myself, but days my flood gates open and I drown myself in my sorrow. The ugliness of my disorder, it makes me question those who love me and have been there with me since the beginning. It makes me question myself and my motives. Its so hard and painful when Im having one of those days or moments. On one of those days anger, paranoia, sadness, and doubt creep into my mind and make their bed there. That is when I'm truly lost.
I got a new journal, the sayings of Buddah.
Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.
-Buddah
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)